War

Another day has gone, another minutes passed and yet I still sit here waging war upon myself. Its a losing battle, fighting with yourself but what is one suppose to do when that voice just won't shut up. Sometimes it's just so loud I want to scream at it but then other people would hear. So instead I fight this war inside my head being very careful not to speak aloud unless I'm sure I'm alone. There have been times when I have slipped and spoken aloud while others were around, playing it off as I was thinking aloud. Though slipping one to many times can be quite dangerous. Music is nice though it helps drown out the war just a bit, keeps the little voice occupied long enough to think straight for just a moment. Writing helps too, though the voice doesn't like when I try to expose it, which makes writing this extremely hard. It keeps saying erase, delete, your going to ruin me. Normally the words just flow when I write but the voice just won't shut the hell up tonight. The house is quite and there is nothing to distract me from it. Nothing to keep it from telling me what to do. I have already downed two pills today just to deal with the stress of this morning without having to listen to it but they have since worn off and its mad I tried to shut it up. It felt nice not having to listen to it even for a little while but my supply is getting low and without insurance I cant have it refilled. I'm afraid of whats going to happen when I'm completely out. Afraid that the voice might finally get the best of me. It wants me to start cutting again, stop eating. I fight it everyday but it getting stronger. it has been almost a year with having to take the medicine sparingly and the further the days between doses the more it starts talking. Telling me over and over how much I miss the feeling of the blade to my skin, the sight of the blood spilling from its wound. And its not wrong, the feeling was amazing, the release better than any drug. Not that I would have much experience besides pot and the pills I've been prescribed. Drugs and Alcohol have never really been my thing well besides the above mentioned that is and only because they silent the voice. Cutting was my escape but I have to fight it, have to find another route or my babies could be taken away and without them well lets just say that cutting would be nothing compared to what the voice was telling me to do before them. I guess in a small way I have at least calmed the war, at one point the voice had me almost convinced to end it all. If it weren't for that tiny piece of me still fighting because it knew something I was yet unaware of. The voice still tried to convince me to end both our misery before it was too late but I could never let it win that war. Even I could not end my life with another life within, that sweet innocent life that would be all mine to love and be loved by. The voice quieted for a while but always made sure to remind me that it was waiting. Waiting for just the right moment, looking for just the right weakness. Unfortunately it has found those weaknesses and hasn't shut up since. Though it has not been able to come close to convincing me to end it all completely it has on several occasions convinced me to pick up that wonderful metallic blade. It is a never ending war, one that I fear I will never end.