Trapped in the Storm

My body shivers like the ground in the midst of an earthquake.
My head pounds like a stampede of wild horses.
My heart breaks like a tree at the mercy of lightning.
The storm is brewing deep within.
I struggle to contain the fury,
Not sure how long I will remain myself.
Scared of what I may become.
The world still turns while I remain still.
Everything a dizzy blur.
Trapped inside this shell of mine.
While hiding from another.

War

Another day has gone, another minutes passed and yet I still sit here waging war upon myself. Its a losing battle, fighting with yourself but what is one suppose to do when that voice just won't shut up. Sometimes it's just so loud I want to scream at it but then other people would hear. So instead I fight this war inside my head being very careful not to speak aloud unless I'm sure I'm alone. There have been times when I have slipped and spoken aloud while others were around, playing it off as I was thinking aloud. Though slipping one to many times can be quite dangerous. Music is nice though it helps drown out the war just a bit, keeps the little voice occupied long enough to think straight for just a moment. Writing helps too, though the voice doesn't like when I try to expose it, which makes writing this extremely hard. It keeps saying erase, delete, your going to ruin me. Normally the words just flow when I write but the voice just won't shut the hell up tonight. The house is quite and there is nothing to distract me from it. Nothing to keep it from telling me what to do. I have already downed two pills today just to deal with the stress of this morning without having to listen to it but they have since worn off and its mad I tried to shut it up. It felt nice not having to listen to it even for a little while but my supply is getting low and without insurance I cant have it refilled. I'm afraid of whats going to happen when I'm completely out. Afraid that the voice might finally get the best of me. It wants me to start cutting again, stop eating. I fight it everyday but it getting stronger. it has been almost a year with having to take the medicine sparingly and the further the days between doses the more it starts talking. Telling me over and over how much I miss the feeling of the blade to my skin, the sight of the blood spilling from its wound. And its not wrong, the feeling was amazing, the release better than any drug. Not that I would have much experience besides pot and the pills I've been prescribed. Drugs and Alcohol have never really been my thing well besides the above mentioned that is and only because they silent the voice. Cutting was my escape but I have to fight it, have to find another route or my babies could be taken away and without them well lets just say that cutting would be nothing compared to what the voice was telling me to do before them. I guess in a small way I have at least calmed the war, at one point the voice had me almost convinced to end it all. If it weren't for that tiny piece of me still fighting because it knew something I was yet unaware of. The voice still tried to convince me to end both our misery before it was too late but I could never let it win that war. Even I could not end my life with another life within, that sweet innocent life that would be all mine to love and be loved by. The voice quieted for a while but always made sure to remind me that it was waiting. Waiting for just the right moment, looking for just the right weakness. Unfortunately it has found those weaknesses and hasn't shut up since. Though it has not been able to come close to convincing me to end it all completely it has on several occasions convinced me to pick up that wonderful metallic blade. It is a never ending war, one that I fear I will never end.

Admittance

Too many days go by and I cant stop thinking about the ways to end this. I know its the cowardly thing to do but sometimes its just to much to handle. Between the physical pain and the mental struggle I can’t determine which is going to be the final straw. I want to be better, want to please them but I just don't know how. I have tried to overcome these obstacles, thought I might be strong enough. Why? Why do I always have to be the strong one? When is it my turn to except defeat? To give up now would prove I’m weak, a coward, and even maybe scared. Part of me believes admitting defeat might be my answer to the release I so desperately seek, while the other part screams that admitting defeat would only be the admittance of my end, my final words before good-bye. In all honesty I am scared, scared that if I don’t find a way to conquer these obstacles I will doom the ones I care about to the same fate as I. If I fail to be strong then they will fail too, that if their left without someone to be strong for them that they may crumble like I so desperately wish I could. I have been fighting urges for a long time on my own, mostly because I hate the way the medicines they say I need make me feel. In all honesty I rather be a compete emotional wreck, even suicidal, than to feel happy based on a complete lie. I know that they are suppose to be helping and at times depending on what they give me they do but behind the faćade I know deep down I’m not. Not that I don’t want to be, I have tried so hard to accept the false happiness that the medicine tries to accomplish for me, I really true-fully have but my head keeps telling me the feeling is all wrong. I don't know if its just the little voice that says its not real or if its something deeper but if I try to continue that lie, I physically get sick. I try to tell myself its all in my head that there is no way a persons body can reject every medicine because of a little voice. Especially a little voice I know doesn’t exist. The migraines keep getting worse and I keep telling myself that its just stress, all in my head. It gets really hard to concentrate but I know I have to continue like they are nothing serious. And I really hope they aren’t. I know they could be but like the doctors I tell myself its just due to the anxiety, which may actually be the case. though the anxiety is an issue I keep myself pretty secluded to keep it minimal but the migraines have been worse then they ever have been. Maybe I have secluded myself to much, maybe the lack of communication has driven myself mad, doubtful but who knows. Not like anyone would really care to really listen to me. Mom barely calls to even check and see how we are doing. Sissy is to busy with her husbands & family to really care and well my that little brother of mine has enough problem of his own, not to mention he’s always been way to selfish to care. Dad might have taken the time to listen had he had someone who cared enough to listen to him when he was obviously falling into his oblivion. I have managed to not completely follow in his footstep. Yes I am falling and falling hard but I’m not hiding behind drugs and alcohol. I know I should scream at the top of my lungs for someone to help but I just cant find it in myself to inconvenience anyone. Maybe I should, though most people would think I was just crying out for attention or medicine. At least thats what they thought last time, no crying out isn't an option. Instead I am writing not to anyone and not for anyone but myself. Maybe putting my feelings, fears, desires, weakness on paper will help me comprehend what is really going on in this head of mine. So far its just a bunch of mumble jumble. The words click, I understand what they mean, but they just tell me what I already know and that really isn’t anything is it? 750 words in and Im no further to understanding my weakness then I was to begin with. Failure that much I know. I have always failed at everything. School, friends, art, writing, singing, soccer. Nothing I have ever tried to accomplish has been done successfully. Yeah maybe I graduated even a year early at that but big deal not like anyone cared. I was so determined to continue on to college and I tried but again I failed. What is success if there is no one there to cheer you on. Sissy always had a cheer squad. When she graduated a year early just like I, she had praise from everyone even family that has hardly been around. When she won an art competition even strangers applauded. Still to this day she is being encouraged and applauded for her achievements. She is talented and pretty even though some would say she is over weight. I don't think so, yeah she has some extra weight but she wears it well. She has a smile to die for and a personality to go with it. I know it might sound like I’m jealous but Im the complete opposite. I’m proud of her accomplishments, proud that she has come out on top. Though I hate that through her achievement she has left me behind like a discarded paper towel I will always be proud of her. Maybe thats it, maybe I just wish someone was proud of me, maybe I am tired of busting my ass to never be noticed. Never be appreciated, but is appreciation really that important to me? Yeah it’d be nice for someone to say thank you or good job but i really don’t feel its the key to this, well whatever this is. Id say its a downward spiral of depression but maybe its just self pity. Yeah maybe thats it. The voice deep inside of me screams to get help, that self pity is not what this is but who is that voice to tell me what this is. Nobody thats who, just as much of a nobody as I. So what gives it the right to try to convince me otherwise. What makes it think its so much smarter than I. Denial it says, What exactly am I denying I scream back. I know I have a problem just because I refuse to face it doesn't me I am in denial. Liar it screams........Maybe but what am I really suppose to do. Admittance means asking for help and asking for help means accepting defeat. Can I really handle being defeated once again? It is one thing to admit something to yourself another to admit it out openly.